So which one of yous is my faithful wife like'm from the movie Crazy Schizo Math Guy. I'm pretty sure I scared off all of the smart chicks by being an asshole through college. That or the drugs. I actually don't have very much more to say, but we'll see if I can stretch it, but mostly I just wanted to say that first sentence. Life is a lot of dos and do nots. I feel like I've grabbed life by the testicles and shook and mostly that's because of the drugs but some of the rest of it is because of the genetic hallucinations but still I feel like I have to make another grip down there and turn widdershins because that's the best direction to turn testicles, I find. Okay so but instead of doing that I sit up in this apartment and do literal nothing, like sometimes a videogame but really nothing and there are a lot of people I want to pie in the face. Holy I remembered something I wanted to talk about. I have estranged family that I don't talk to because they were awful to me, but recently one of them contacted my mom and wants to re-establish relationships with the side of the family she shunned for a bunch of years. There was lots of mutual shunnery. So I don't want this, because long story short when you get schizophrenia the books say 'help the kid with housing, for fuck's sake' and instead they kicked me out of theirs and said they were enabling me. So fuck those assholes. I have to go or I'd have been more eloquent. Cheers.

Devices to test what type of liquid is falling. From a distance, of course. Today and other days. They got me on another medication which helps when I take it but then I turn into a molding log, laying down and/or sleeping for the entire day. There's a tradeoff. I don't really expect life to ever be a-ok again, but I hope for little things here and there. Anyways, all of the devices to better control the populace, etc. What you can drive around you can drive into a tree, or up an incline even should it be chosen. But it's always a second later that you realize that some fear made that up, or that a voice that just CAN'T be a device made that up and you're back to square one. You want it to be a device because that would make sense, and then you wouldn't need a band-aid. So the new band-aids kinda work....well that's how it's been since the beginning of this ride. I spent one day at a homeless shelter full of people who are like I'm possibly slated to become and it's a real sleigh-ride of a mindfucker, that. A lot is hinging on disability owing up to the fact that I'm mostly a walking toaster pastry only of course I still have some intelligence left but it's not like I got eaten, just chewed up real bad. We'll see. They say the trick is to keep trying but there's only so long I can camp out at a friend's house before somebody wants me to do something or another and I freak out. But anyways. They know that's blood you're dripping. Do you know why?

Where is my manners face. There's a very good chance that if you're reading my blog you know who Ben Woodard is, but you might not know that he writes at naughtthought.wordpress.com, so check him out over there. Sort of a reverse plugdiloop.

I think it's funny having to begin all of your vampire fantasies with the dark entity coming from the window or bursting through the door and then making you run on a treadmill for two months before consigning you to eternal beauty. In these fantasies I often get abs, because if it's going to be eternal....Anyways I am aware of the traffic from Woodard's site and I must say I enjoy a good friendly plug, thanks Ben. If anything readers from that realm will get to know a friend he's had since the early stages and contemplate how that took part in making him who he is. If you find yourself coming back here and want to be made aware of when I've made a new post you can always add me on Facebook at joshua.mccord.39, which I use primarily to tell people when I've made new posts and post pictures of myself being adorable. A good way to make today's post flow is the fact that Ben talked about my troubles with schizophrenia, and a new batch are popping up. I pretty much constantly hallucinate and have grown used to it, but on occasion these hallucinations escalate to the serious variety and I start the inner screaming and well long story short I've been getting a lot of that recently which means the medication I'm on isn't working anymore. This has happened to me with every medication I've taken, bar none, and another part of hallucinating seriously is remembering what it was like to be without medication and the rather horrifying world that becomes. So I'm staring down the barrel of incoherence and I don't have much to do for it. Hopefully there's a new medication every time I need a new medication, which I suppose is plausible. Regardless, I'm going to be checking into the hospital soon, and probably need a push or something because I'm holding off to 'continue my diet so I don't get fatter in there' and to 'send that package for a friend' which are both very important to be sure but freaking out every night is not how you're supposed to be on medication. Soon I'm wandering around town writing people into my book nightmare and trying very hard to shoot fireballs.

I got over all of my facebook crushes and am having a sort of holiday today. I think it occurred mostly from the negative reinforcement incurred by wanting desperately some conversation and then receiving none. You could ask why I didn't strike out and try to reel somebody in, but I don't feel that's a man's place in the world anymore. Things change and turn and I feel very uncomfortable playing that role. No really, you can't expect it of everyone. But regardless, a holiday. I might have vodka and tea. I haven't updated this in a while because I was a little discouraged at getting very few views on my vlogs, but I mostly just wanted my facebook crushes to see me smiling, so....you know, a new era has dawned. I still don't know if I'll make too many more of those but we'll see. If there's occasion to put something out there that doesn't need to be seen, perhaps. As I said in an earlier post I've returned to being vegan and I've lost some weight so when I lose all of it and am a mote I'm going to give myself a punk rock haircut, for a similar reason I'm having this vodka and tea holiday. Or I might just keep my hair the same but regardless it's going well. I got my disability hearing postponed so that I might pick up some representation which is a nice piece of fortune going my way. I still don't know if I'll actually get it, or if I can actually bear staying inside all the time and doing absolutely nothing, but perhaps I'll like it in a new city or find something to get me outside of the house more regularly than once a week, which is about my quota now. I just almost fell out of my chair. Well goodnight.

beard update, can't miss this shit: http://youtu.be/48R1r44VN7g

I just watched The Avengers and apart from being generally lacking in flavor that disturbs or quickens the thinkbone there was one spot that did it to me, and I'm still kindof reeling. Loki is in his chamber, the Hulk-killing chamber or what have you, and he's talking to the Black Widow about her relationship with Hawkeye and he says 'Love is for children.' which normally coming from a villain one wants to just write off, but not here and Whedon does this to me like every time. The Black Widow is a hardened spy who can probably get behind his sentiment even if she doesn't believe in it and that's what makes it so insidious - that she probably does have that little doubt in her mind and that Loki knows it, being as wise as he is in his fashion, and it sortof strange loops into a very backbreaking statement. The entire rest of the movie I'm enjoying explosions but the thought is festering in my mind 'Love is for children.' and I am a very logical being and give shrift to just about everything so I am thinking what if so, and moreover what do with a life dedicated to love even if it at times lacks love interests. I give shrift to literally everything, by the way, as an aside. When you've had your temples talk to you, the idea that the guy down the street has bird feet isn't likely, but you're prone to go 'maybe bird feet'. It just comes with the territory. I have a feeling I'm not getting at how internally tossed about I am by this fairly silly statement from a comic book movie but it has really effed me up, like I've been thinking about it all day. I wonder if my friends have seen it and felt the depth of the statement made in the way it was made and I wonder if it's just me and the quirky way I see things that has me even giving the idea any space to fester but I have not given in to the statement and I really want to know where it goes if I do. I literally don't want anything else except for toys the imagination throws at me like rocketships and what have you, but for the real - nothing. So if love is for children I'm like not really long for this world, as the saying goes. I will probably start to fade away at the feet until it's just my eyeballs and then I'll blink and be gone. Seriously, very effed up. I want to note that it's not a comical 'he's crazy, he can have silly feelings' effed up, either, which I often imagine people thinking about what I write or the way I act. The latter especially. I am still real, motherfucker.

I have a gang of ants that shares the desk this laptop sits on..or they're not really a gang, more like a motley line of would-be soldiers who aren't soldiering well enough because there aren't enough of them to form a battalion. The other day I had a serious outbreak of hallucinations, the kind like where I want to be in a hospital so I don't mistake someone for a balloon and stab them or something, and in the morning I told my roommates it must have been the ant venom that made me freak out so something hardcore. Ant venom! These must be fearsome creatures indeed. We've coexisted peacefully since they venomed me into a series of hallucinations followed by delusions but for a time I wanted to eradicate their very tiny black persons.

I fucking hate facebook. There's nothing worse than living an existentially unforgiving life, like I have been one with the Arizona sun in my suit-jacket and shorts using Iceman on the door locks to gain entrance to buildings, and then seeing existentially forgiving-looking shit from fucking everyone who coughs on the entire planet. "Haz babby, said first mama.' 'Finished school brain bonus plus ten.' I don't really bemoan the makers of these comments as much as these comments themselves. Like I guess they're writing what they think people want to hear about them, but they're missing the fact that people want the juicy, inside-candy and to love them, the pretty ones at least, which how can they do without the candy? If they're children at least. No but so I don't know. I can't handle this crack you are all addicted to. I want to KNOW other people.