beard update, can't miss this shit: http://youtu.be/48R1r44VN7g

I just watched The Avengers and apart from being generally lacking in flavor that disturbs or quickens the thinkbone there was one spot that did it to me, and I'm still kindof reeling. Loki is in his chamber, the Hulk-killing chamber or what have you, and he's talking to the Black Widow about her relationship with Hawkeye and he says 'Love is for children.' which normally coming from a villain one wants to just write off, but not here and Whedon does this to me like every time. The Black Widow is a hardened spy who can probably get behind his sentiment even if she doesn't believe in it and that's what makes it so insidious - that she probably does have that little doubt in her mind and that Loki knows it, being as wise as he is in his fashion, and it sortof strange loops into a very backbreaking statement. The entire rest of the movie I'm enjoying explosions but the thought is festering in my mind 'Love is for children.' and I am a very logical being and give shrift to just about everything so I am thinking what if so, and moreover what do with a life dedicated to love even if it at times lacks love interests. I give shrift to literally everything, by the way, as an aside. When you've had your temples talk to you, the idea that the guy down the street has bird feet isn't likely, but you're prone to go 'maybe bird feet'. It just comes with the territory. I have a feeling I'm not getting at how internally tossed about I am by this fairly silly statement from a comic book movie but it has really effed me up, like I've been thinking about it all day. I wonder if my friends have seen it and felt the depth of the statement made in the way it was made and I wonder if it's just me and the quirky way I see things that has me even giving the idea any space to fester but I have not given in to the statement and I really want to know where it goes if I do. I literally don't want anything else except for toys the imagination throws at me like rocketships and what have you, but for the real - nothing. So if love is for children I'm like not really long for this world, as the saying goes. I will probably start to fade away at the feet until it's just my eyeballs and then I'll blink and be gone. Seriously, very effed up. I want to note that it's not a comical 'he's crazy, he can have silly feelings' effed up, either, which I often imagine people thinking about what I write or the way I act. The latter especially. I am still real, motherfucker.

I have a gang of ants that shares the desk this laptop sits on..or they're not really a gang, more like a motley line of would-be soldiers who aren't soldiering well enough because there aren't enough of them to form a battalion. The other day I had a serious outbreak of hallucinations, the kind like where I want to be in a hospital so I don't mistake someone for a balloon and stab them or something, and in the morning I told my roommates it must have been the ant venom that made me freak out so something hardcore. Ant venom! These must be fearsome creatures indeed. We've coexisted peacefully since they venomed me into a series of hallucinations followed by delusions but for a time I wanted to eradicate their very tiny black persons.

I fucking hate facebook. There's nothing worse than living an existentially unforgiving life, like I have been one with the Arizona sun in my suit-jacket and shorts using Iceman on the door locks to gain entrance to buildings, and then seeing existentially forgiving-looking shit from fucking everyone who coughs on the entire planet. "Haz babby, said first mama.' 'Finished school brain bonus plus ten.' I don't really bemoan the makers of these comments as much as these comments themselves. Like I guess they're writing what they think people want to hear about them, but they're missing the fact that people want the juicy, inside-candy and to love them, the pretty ones at least, which how can they do without the candy? If they're children at least. No but so I don't know. I can't handle this crack you are all addicted to. I want to KNOW other people.

New hair and beard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR0gIjvx5xc&feature=youtu.be

Other readers of great literature: Do you imagine yourself as hopefully leading lives similar to those of the writers of said literature? In college I decided to be Jack Kerouac but I didn't let anyone blow me or was that Cassidy and then I had a Bukowski phase where I kindof hated women and wrote free verse poems about it that were unpublishable and now I want to be Jean-Paul Sartre but already have gigantic tomes under my belt and just be writing letters to my Simone. Sometimes I do characters in movies, although this happens less frequently, but notable entries are River Tam and Spike Spiegel (is it Spiegal or Spiegel? I'm not even going to google this) for when I elucidate them will seem like good reasons. First, River Tam has paranoid schizophrenia, LIKE ME, and that scene which is super memorable to me but perhaps not everybody where she's looking at the ground and her eyes are franticing and Simon asks her if he's talking to River now and she rolls her eyes at him, I basically lived/live that so I get to be whimsical and a crazy genius and shoot people really well for no reason. Spike is like a modernized Buddhist which I find to be particularly wonderful because while the Buddha could find his enlightenment and tell about it from the front of his tree, we've moved along in history and have probably spawned countless Buddhas who go 'huh, I might as well just be quiet', which I do whether or not I actually have achieved enlightenment or am just living a hallucination induced delusion. I also smoke cigarettes and say fuck it a lot, which is a lot like his catchphrase. Less attractive to me than all of the above options are days where I think I'm Rand Al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn, which if you don't know is a schizophrenic magic-user from a fantasy series (the Wheel of Time - smashing read) who is essentially Neo and blows everything up with fire. So sometimes I find myself, instead of fancying my life following that of the above mentioned apart from Rand, literally trying to draw on the One Power and light shit on fire with my mind. This really sucks, and the downturn from having a mind that works like the above one and above two is that I'll probably be doing the above two homeless somewhere dirty and scaring children at age 45 with no teeth and then I'll remember I have to write Simone and update this blog with something wonderful for my missing boo like 'Tenth ave harboring mobsters with mind probes, best to skirt' and 'girl on street actually Madonna but with the Mission Impossible face treatment, better come quick oh dearest Simone'.


I was going to leave it like that because I write essays and I thought it would elicit an emotional response which is sometimes what you're going for but then I figured that if I left it as was that that response would be slight depression, at the least, maybe, so I've decided to stick around and shoot the shit. I am going back and forth on my esports kick, which for those who don't know means professional vidyagaming, where some days I am gung ho, and we have a team (which is all of the days) and some days I think we'll just never get there, or that I don't even really want to be there in the first place. But I really just must do SOMETHING, right? If I was myself at 18 reading that last sentence I would be rolling my eyes back into my head and be going 'yes aunt', or 'yes uncle' and etc and 'i get it, yeah' and then going off to get smashed and hallucinate, on or off drugs. Anyways, must I grow up? I know it's happened to some friends of mine and I wonder how it feels. I'm SURE you can afford drinks at bars, which must be nice, but I think I can bear the anger, resentment, and misunderstanding of all of my peers when at the end of a life I skated through on nothing I'm just dead and the wind picks up my ashes.


I'm vegan again, like I wont even eat a donut, where before I was all 'it's just a tiny bit of egg' and etc and hopefully I'll lose weight because I'm a fatass again which the first makes me feel healthier regardless but the latter needs to leave me because what am I really if the chicks don't want me? No, seriously.

So it turns out the med scare was a false alarm. I had heard from the doctor a while back that without AHCCCS the meds cost money, but that's only non-generic, which of the three I take only one is non-generic. So it's a bit of a problem still, as that's the expensive one, but two things: the people who helped me fill out the forms say that most people who send them in are not denied, and also my doctor says that even without insurance the drug company for my non-generic can be contacted and be made to understand my case, which oftentimes results in them letting me have the meds for free. So the next struggle is getting qualified for disability, and I'm going to see a lawyer on Tuesday, so hopefully we can make something happen there.

So I've already written on Facebook about this but I at least get the option of more characters here so I figured I'd flesh the thing out. Basically, AHCCCS is telling me that they need to determine if I'm disabled enough to get for free the pills that are basically like blood to me. They cost ~1000 per month otherwise, which if I were able to work, which I am attesting in nine short months in court that I am not, I could perhaps get medical insurance from that job to keep the pills. That is assuming I could find one and one that gives medical benefits the first month in the month I have left before I am a complete and utter babbling lunatic. So the only option that seems to make any sense to me is to move to another state where I have friends and that will pay for my pills until I get my disability determination, which if they don't pick me I'll probably just dive off of something very large to end the ridiculousness. That may be the case anyhow if nobody is able to let me stay, as I have done the homeless and pill-less thing before, and after sobering promised to never do it again. So look for a fresh corpse in your local Arizona funeral parlor if you don't hear from me for a few months.

I am reading Inkheart, which you shouldn't because it sucks and I'm about to put it down, but there's a part where the little girl asks her auntie who is a shrew if she's ever had a boyfriend or husband or something and the auntie is like heavens no what would I want to do that for. And I went out with my mother today, which I shouldn't because it sucks but whatever, and we had a conversation with her friend about how her friend's boy doesn't really dive on the females but assures his mother he is not gay, which is pretty much my mother's picture of me. So but anyways I got to thinking about the shrew and thought that it might be the path for me. It's not that I don't believe I'd make a wonderful mate and don't have a high opinion of myself - far from it. It's that I don't have either of those for many of the women I come across. I told this to my mother, but not succinctly, and she said I had the wrong attitude. I don't. I absolutely don't. I do not want to settle for anything I don't want, apart from little things that obviously beg compromise, and I am beset on all sides by things I don't want. I wont settle for a bad attitude out of a girl I would otherwise want 99 percent of the time in my presence. You shouldn't have to, and I wont. So....shrew time. I gave up masturbating about a year ago (you really are interested in that factoid) and without the urge to O every day or couple of days or whatever it is I don't really need to be satisfied on that front, and no I'm not saying a woman is only good for a sloppy O, but as far as an emotional connection goes, fuck yes I need to be satisfied there, but I'm not settling for one that comes with razor-blade cutter legs or fucking around or an evil bitch attitude. So...shrew time, I guess. I don't know how much I care. I try to model my life after the anime character Spike Spiegel, so much so that I had the option to quit smoking but didn't because cmon, Spike, and his philosophy works in this situation as well. And if I remember correctly, he had love in his eyes for the blonde girl but it didn't work out because "bang, bang" and I think I may go out in a similar fashion, without ever conducting a grand relationship. I want to have sex with like 90 percent of the women I meet, or perhaps that is a little high, but there is self respect, and sometimes there's a glint in my eye that never turns into anything grand and conducty, because to conduct I would have to change shoe brands and dye my feet yellow and listen to Eminem and really like it and whatever the fuck else is demanded of me. So...shrew time.