new vlog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDOs5vitCZw&feature=youtu.be

So to add to the previous entry: enabling! I am cruising around Phoenix crazy as fuck and they decide I should have a proper job and pay my own way. Like...you know, it's a nice dream, but even the books. The books! I got around to reading up on the illness one and a few other times at Barnes and Noble and the biggest issue for someone just beginning their endless evil schizophrenic journey is that they probably wont be able to work a place to live, and if you could just do that for them their chances of recovery or stabilization increase drastically. DRASTICALLY. So yes, I want to see these people. They have kids now, though, and I want to see them, so I'll probably go and cold shoulder the older ones. I was right about the highschool reunion - it is going to suck. I went and acted all radical and told them all I have the S-word and that I wouldn't be attending but who is even going to go anyway? I'd want to hang out with my friends and clique up like the good old days. So yeah. I still am definitely going to the 20 to scout for schizo chicks. You guys should play a drinking game with my blog: read through the whole thing aloud and with booming voices and take a shot every time I mention schizophrenia.

So which one of yous is my faithful wife like'm from the movie Crazy Schizo Math Guy. I'm pretty sure I scared off all of the smart chicks by being an asshole through college. That or the drugs. I actually don't have very much more to say, but we'll see if I can stretch it, but mostly I just wanted to say that first sentence. Life is a lot of dos and do nots. I feel like I've grabbed life by the testicles and shook and mostly that's because of the drugs but some of the rest of it is because of the genetic hallucinations but still I feel like I have to make another grip down there and turn widdershins because that's the best direction to turn testicles, I find. Okay so but instead of doing that I sit up in this apartment and do literal nothing, like sometimes a videogame but really nothing and there are a lot of people I want to pie in the face. Holy I remembered something I wanted to talk about. I have estranged family that I don't talk to because they were awful to me, but recently one of them contacted my mom and wants to re-establish relationships with the side of the family she shunned for a bunch of years. There was lots of mutual shunnery. So I don't want this, because long story short when you get schizophrenia the books say 'help the kid with housing, for fuck's sake' and instead they kicked me out of theirs and said they were enabling me. So fuck those assholes. I have to go or I'd have been more eloquent. Cheers.

Devices to test what type of liquid is falling. From a distance, of course. Today and other days. They got me on another medication which helps when I take it but then I turn into a molding log, laying down and/or sleeping for the entire day. There's a tradeoff. I don't really expect life to ever be a-ok again, but I hope for little things here and there. Anyways, all of the devices to better control the populace, etc. What you can drive around you can drive into a tree, or up an incline even should it be chosen. But it's always a second later that you realize that some fear made that up, or that a voice that just CAN'T be a device made that up and you're back to square one. You want it to be a device because that would make sense, and then you wouldn't need a band-aid. So the new band-aids kinda work....well that's how it's been since the beginning of this ride. I spent one day at a homeless shelter full of people who are like I'm possibly slated to become and it's a real sleigh-ride of a mindfucker, that. A lot is hinging on disability owing up to the fact that I'm mostly a walking toaster pastry only of course I still have some intelligence left but it's not like I got eaten, just chewed up real bad. We'll see. They say the trick is to keep trying but there's only so long I can camp out at a friend's house before somebody wants me to do something or another and I freak out. But anyways. They know that's blood you're dripping. Do you know why?

Where is my manners face. There's a very good chance that if you're reading my blog you know who Ben Woodard is, but you might not know that he writes at naughtthought.wordpress.com, so check him out over there. Sort of a reverse plugdiloop.

I think it's funny having to begin all of your vampire fantasies with the dark entity coming from the window or bursting through the door and then making you run on a treadmill for two months before consigning you to eternal beauty. In these fantasies I often get abs, because if it's going to be eternal....Anyways I am aware of the traffic from Woodard's site and I must say I enjoy a good friendly plug, thanks Ben. If anything readers from that realm will get to know a friend he's had since the early stages and contemplate how that took part in making him who he is. If you find yourself coming back here and want to be made aware of when I've made a new post you can always add me on Facebook at joshua.mccord.39, which I use primarily to tell people when I've made new posts and post pictures of myself being adorable. A good way to make today's post flow is the fact that Ben talked about my troubles with schizophrenia, and a new batch are popping up. I pretty much constantly hallucinate and have grown used to it, but on occasion these hallucinations escalate to the serious variety and I start the inner screaming and well long story short I've been getting a lot of that recently which means the medication I'm on isn't working anymore. This has happened to me with every medication I've taken, bar none, and another part of hallucinating seriously is remembering what it was like to be without medication and the rather horrifying world that becomes. So I'm staring down the barrel of incoherence and I don't have much to do for it. Hopefully there's a new medication every time I need a new medication, which I suppose is plausible. Regardless, I'm going to be checking into the hospital soon, and probably need a push or something because I'm holding off to 'continue my diet so I don't get fatter in there' and to 'send that package for a friend' which are both very important to be sure but freaking out every night is not how you're supposed to be on medication. Soon I'm wandering around town writing people into my book nightmare and trying very hard to shoot fireballs.

I got over all of my facebook crushes and am having a sort of holiday today. I think it occurred mostly from the negative reinforcement incurred by wanting desperately some conversation and then receiving none. You could ask why I didn't strike out and try to reel somebody in, but I don't feel that's a man's place in the world anymore. Things change and turn and I feel very uncomfortable playing that role. No really, you can't expect it of everyone. But regardless, a holiday. I might have vodka and tea. I haven't updated this in a while because I was a little discouraged at getting very few views on my vlogs, but I mostly just wanted my facebook crushes to see me smiling, so....you know, a new era has dawned. I still don't know if I'll make too many more of those but we'll see. If there's occasion to put something out there that doesn't need to be seen, perhaps. As I said in an earlier post I've returned to being vegan and I've lost some weight so when I lose all of it and am a mote I'm going to give myself a punk rock haircut, for a similar reason I'm having this vodka and tea holiday. Or I might just keep my hair the same but regardless it's going well. I got my disability hearing postponed so that I might pick up some representation which is a nice piece of fortune going my way. I still don't know if I'll actually get it, or if I can actually bear staying inside all the time and doing absolutely nothing, but perhaps I'll like it in a new city or find something to get me outside of the house more regularly than once a week, which is about my quota now. I just almost fell out of my chair. Well goodnight.