Schizophrenia dominates my thought content with fist of iron. I am intrigued by the 10 year high school reunion that is happening this year, but not as much by the 20 that will tell me which females got the Bentley of mental illnesses and who I want to spend the four years after that with until I pledge fealty to the trigger of the shotgun. I'm not really aggrandizing - I want to meet this woman, desperately. There's something unfair about being unable to share your gigantic ouchie with literally anyone you meet, and you even wonder if that person in the mental health clinic has it or just some Pinto disease. I feel my car metaphors aren't fully understandable and probably are not even palatable to the general public, and that's really what gets me. That and the schizophrenia.
Anyways, I feel like I shouldn't define myself by this thing, but if you were a Jigsaw victim would you not want to attend meetings with fellow....that one was in 3D, plus the Dread Pirate Roberts kicked so much ass...but yeah. So back to the high school thing - I have a feeling I wont be attending, because all I can tell people is "Got my mind fucked, failed at everything because, am mostly a layabout and medicated to Egypt now" and hold on, I have to do a major aside, schizophrenia is exactly why I went nowhere with my life but here. I feel completely comfortable saying that, because it's true. If my mind wasn't bleeding, I'd probably be in a career somewhere, post college - the art not passing is another story, although who knows if brainbleed nuked my poetical senses. I don't think so, there, because again I think I do rather well for myself, I just can't really get it to the level it needs to be at the moment and I don't know when I ever will. It's like outpitching all of the minor league pitchers, etc etc. But back to the high school thing. Going, not going? I feel like I have no stake in the outcome, and I've already hung out with friends who have completed college and that feels awesome so it seems like negative stake in the outcome and what else, punch? The 20 year though, I am Rambo for that shit. If you're reading this and female and in my graduating class and you don't clean up much and forget to brush your teeth occasionally I'll see you in ten goddamn years when we have something to talk about, like flopping about like a fish on a floor with your hands around your head and thrashing and and and.
Okay, so that was fun. I now must justify myself. You know how you build worlds of fantasy as a child, like man I wish I were an X-man or holy shit wouldn't it be nice if some of these stories I was reading were read by someone else and we could talk about them. Regular fantasies. It's hard for me to describe, actually, but like just the regular functioning of the mind that goes "I wonder if this person would like this novel" or etc. Well anyway, you begin to build for yourself a group of people who you want to have around you based on things like this....oh he's a good chess player, oh he stomps me at go...and while you hang out with whoever, you build relationships around stuff like that. I just feel like I have a big thing to share and I could go places sharing it and am biting my fingers until I actually can. There, justified, mostly. Uh...there's more to it, really. It's still rather hard to describe, but you tend to exclude people who you don't think fit into your little scheme, and etc, and to dirty little secret I do that a little obsessively. I guess it's perhaps apparent from the rest of the article. It's part "sorry, it's hard to help" and part overwhelming obsession with the disease itself and the function and it makes someone sexy, desirable etc, because of all that. There's this Jung story where he gets the hallucinations to stop emanating from one side of the woman he's treating's body and she says something like you've taken away my beautiful dream or something, I have no quotation marks because I don't know the exactsies, but yeah. Like as awful as the thing is and as much as you want to turn it off you get good hallucinations too and I think most importantly you get a sense of being in this elite club that like you can stare at someone and with your eyes go "you have no fucking idea" and it's actually true.
So two things - One, I don't want anywhere to suggest that I hope this happens to somebody. Disclaimed. Two - What I'm trying to get at with most of the above is a point of extreme interest to me which is this feeling of being completely disconnected from the workings of the people around me, even when we're talking or engaged in some group activity. Like I am so far and gone from this land they inhabit and yet I am positive I convince them I'm in the same cloudspace because they just don't know about where I could be. I want people to know about that, because it's interesting, and because if we hang out you have that to watch out for, and because I really want to connect in the weird cloudspace, so try and find me there. Hahahaha that's so cute, I think, like perhaps Jim Carey could do that line in my autobio when I'm dead of brilliance and pill overdose and people want an autobio because Jim Carey does that weird shit like Dr. Mundo's exploratorium longskinnyfingersbeard.