I wonder if this poet thing is some grand delusion. Like yes, I could be being hyperbolic here, but I'm really not - I honestly wonder if I don't consider myself as such because I'm riding the heights of trying to satisfy a delusion. I was thinking over my career in poetry and yeah...I don't know. It just seems like I got put into the role a little after high school with that crazy group of friends and all of the joy that brought was what I was seeking with every poem I made afterward, even though neither the poems nor the populace was capitulating. So I wonder if I want to actually do that for a living, or just want that kind of attention again, and if that kind of attention is a passing thing that you only meet once in your life before you're talking about it on blogs with four grey hairs in your beard, but really if it's just a think I can do it so do it etc etc...I guess this is getting convoluted. What I want to exfoliate is that I can't really recall actively wanting to be there writing them, or actively wanting to be reading them to audiences, or etc. I just wanted to be super poet man, which seems symptomatic of my illness more than of a desire for a place in life. If I think of what I want to be, I get what I always get, which is: nothing. It's not very socially desirable to be nothing, but I don't want to be a part of your system, so I threw it on the ground. Honestly. I don't know how this would have changed if I didn't contract schizophrenia from that bird but since I've had to think about it, which was just slightly before the schizophrenia kicked in, I've wanted to be nothing. A philosopher, if anything, but doing nothing. No, that's it: a philosopher. Although I don't think I would ever have asked for a university education in philosophy, I just want to do it on porches with friends of a similar mind and see what doesn't come up. So perhaps the poetry wasn't all a failure - I got to philosophize some, and more I got to tell a little story that I think needed telling, but I don't think it's a poet's life for me. I can almost feel the waves of disgust rolling over me in this our society of what you are is what you're worth but I still want to be a nothing porch philosopher, fuck it all. Could be that punk rock music. Related videoblog here:http://www.youtube.com/watchv=kNermBeyQeY&feature=youtu.be