Other readers of great literature: Do you imagine yourself as hopefully leading lives similar to those of the writers of said literature? In college I decided to be Jack Kerouac but I didn't let anyone blow me or was that Cassidy and then I had a Bukowski phase where I kindof hated women and wrote free verse poems about it that were unpublishable and now I want to be Jean-Paul Sartre but already have gigantic tomes under my belt and just be writing letters to my Simone. Sometimes I do characters in movies, although this happens less frequently, but notable entries are River Tam and Spike Spiegel (is it Spiegal or Spiegel? I'm not even going to google this) for when I elucidate them will seem like good reasons. First, River Tam has paranoid schizophrenia, LIKE ME, and that scene which is super memorable to me but perhaps not everybody where she's looking at the ground and her eyes are franticing and Simon asks her if he's talking to River now and she rolls her eyes at him, I basically lived/live that so I get to be whimsical and a crazy genius and shoot people really well for no reason. Spike is like a modernized Buddhist which I find to be particularly wonderful because while the Buddha could find his enlightenment and tell about it from the front of his tree, we've moved along in history and have probably spawned countless Buddhas who go 'huh, I might as well just be quiet', which I do whether or not I actually have achieved enlightenment or am just living a hallucination induced delusion. I also smoke cigarettes and say fuck it a lot, which is a lot like his catchphrase. Less attractive to me than all of the above options are days where I think I'm Rand Al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn, which if you don't know is a schizophrenic magic-user from a fantasy series (the Wheel of Time - smashing read) who is essentially Neo and blows everything up with fire. So sometimes I find myself, instead of fancying my life following that of the above mentioned apart from Rand, literally trying to draw on the One Power and light shit on fire with my mind. This really sucks, and the downturn from having a mind that works like the above one and above two is that I'll probably be doing the above two homeless somewhere dirty and scaring children at age 45 with no teeth and then I'll remember I have to write Simone and update this blog with something wonderful for my missing boo like 'Tenth ave harboring mobsters with mind probes, best to skirt' and 'girl on street actually Madonna but with the Mission Impossible face treatment, better come quick oh dearest Simone'.


I was going to leave it like that because I write essays and I thought it would elicit an emotional response which is sometimes what you're going for but then I figured that if I left it as was that that response would be slight depression, at the least, maybe, so I've decided to stick around and shoot the shit. I am going back and forth on my esports kick, which for those who don't know means professional vidyagaming, where some days I am gung ho, and we have a team (which is all of the days) and some days I think we'll just never get there, or that I don't even really want to be there in the first place. But I really just must do SOMETHING, right? If I was myself at 18 reading that last sentence I would be rolling my eyes back into my head and be going 'yes aunt', or 'yes uncle' and etc and 'i get it, yeah' and then going off to get smashed and hallucinate, on or off drugs. Anyways, must I grow up? I know it's happened to some friends of mine and I wonder how it feels. I'm SURE you can afford drinks at bars, which must be nice, but I think I can bear the anger, resentment, and misunderstanding of all of my peers when at the end of a life I skated through on nothing I'm just dead and the wind picks up my ashes.


I'm vegan again, like I wont even eat a donut, where before I was all 'it's just a tiny bit of egg' and etc and hopefully I'll lose weight because I'm a fatass again which the first makes me feel healthier regardless but the latter needs to leave me because what am I really if the chicks don't want me? No, seriously.