I watched Dark Shadows and felt a tickle somewhere for 70s love but I'm finding it hard to dedicate myself to an idea or ideal lately, mostly because I am somewhere between fuck it and let it be. I don't know if this is a bad thing at all, but I feel like I need a parental figure to pat my shoulder and tell me it's okay. As far as the buddhist possibilities of the state go, I don't know if I match up. I still want to be with people on an instinctual level, such that absence makes the heart get angry, and I still desire a wild ride, as it were, where I've been counseled by scripture to accept the regular. I can't do that thing where my eyes glaze over and I go "this IS the wild ride" although I imagine if I did it in the right company and with the right allocation of drugs I could start a movement or religion or something else, as if that isn't how all of those things happen anyways. I spend a good amount of my time not wanting anything, which I think is what the goal is, but I struggle with what I've mentioned, as well as the desire for food and etc, wondering if I should try and purge myself of all these things and I think the answer is no, you just accept it and move on. The wild ride might be an exception...perhaps this IS the wild ride...................................................but yeah, who knows. I know for sure that I'd be less of a fuck it and more of a let it be if I didn't get my baptist training as a child. MUST BUDDHA LEST BE SATAN'd, etc. I heard about some woman in the literary community who had to get a therapist to help purge her of shit she'd learned in sunday school and the like because it was ruining her life and I might need to sign up. Because to better Buddha. Because Satan. Anyways, it's a vicious minefield in my mind..field haha and that's mostly the field up there. That and I have guilt issues now for things I haven't done that voices I've heard have worked towards convincing me I have, but this is minor because I can just ignore them and not go to the certain prison I'd go to if they were correct, and etc. Also what are you supposed to do with that feeling of wanting to DO SOMETHING. Do we just tamp that down? I imagine so. Or maybe that goes away with the Satan. I don't know, I'm so fucked up.